1970 Hamburg

An Englishman is just about to leave a lady of the night’s room, after an evening of pleasure. She realises he hasn’t paid her, and loudly demands, ‘How about my Marks?’ ‘Six out of ten’ he replies, and casually continues his journey.

These days we’re all obsessed about judging, marking and awarding points to almost anyone and anything. It would be easy to point our accusing fingers in the direction of Mr Cowell, but scoring people out of ten reared it’s ugly head intermittently back in the 60’s with the ‘Oil give it foyve’ girl, and the Clap-o-meter. Bo became the perfect ten of the 70’s (I would have given her one because she was a bit thick)

And then there’s feedback.

 In my world, feedback is a screeching noise that a speaker makes if you stand to close to a microphone. In fact only the other day, I was getting feedback from my computer. I tried to google the cause and the only ‘result’ it came up with was how many my computer was being rated out of ten! 

“Can I have twenty Rothman’s and the Sun please?

‘I’m very sorry I’ve only got tens. Do you want two packs of ten instead?

‘Eh…no thanks. I’ll take one pack of….

‘Oh ...It’s ok. Someone put the Peter Stuyvesant’s in front of them. That’ll be nine pounds twenty pence please’

‘There you go… do you want the odd twenty pence?’

“No..it’s fine I’ve done it now. Here’s your change…. thank you’

‘Thanks a lot, bye.’

‘Excuse me Sir. Sir? Before you go…. could you help me to fill in this feedback form?  … it won’t take long.

‘Errrrrr …ok? Fire away’

‘Let me see. Ah yes. What were your first impressions when you entered the shop’

‘Well…… I thought…..’

‘Was it a) This is a nice shop. Was it b) It’s a bit dark in here c) I bet everything is pricey in here or d) what’s that smell?’

‘A’

‘Was it a) This is a nice..’

‘No no, A. It’s a nice shop’

‘You are very very kind. You’re not just saying that to be kind ……. are you?’

‘No. Not at all. I was glad to help. Bye.’

‘Question two.’

‘How many are there?’

‘Not many…. Question two. Did the shopkeeper, that’s me, greet you with  a) a welcoming smile b) a sort of cheesy grin c) a big smile but you could tell it was false or d)…

‘B’

‘I haven’t finished yet’

‘It’s B though. That’s how you greeted me. B. Final answer.’

‘Or d) the shopkeeper looked like he had just smelt some off haddock.’

‘B’

‘Ok.B it is then. Please forgive my cheesy grin. I didn’t mean it.’

‘It’s not a bad thing.’

‘My area manager thinks it is. I’m already on a written warning about my cheesy grins’

‘A then. I’ve changed my mind.A’

‘It’s too late. I’ve ticked the box in ink.’

“Oh.’

‘Question three. Did you have to wait long before you received your items?’

‘No. You were as fast as lightning.’

‘Is your answer a) thirty to sixty seconds b) sixty to a hundred and twenty seconds c) five minutes.’

‘A’

‘Please. You must let me finish. This is very very important…... or d) you are still waiting’

‘A.A.A.A.A…….A’

‘I think it was B. If you care to remember….I couldn’t find the twenties at first and you didn’t want two tens because you probably thought it was girlie or something, and then I found them behind that flipping flip pack.’

‘Ok .B.’ 

‘I’ve ticked A already.’

’Then why did…..

‘Question four.’

‘Is this the last one?’

‘Last one.’

‘Promise?’

Question four! …...What would you compare your overall experience to?  a) A foot massage at your local spa. Spa as in bath robes and facials….not the tatty supermarket chain where no-one goes unless it’s thick snow and they live right above the shop. b) A walk through the Funhouse at Dreamland before it was rubbish. Kind of enjoyable but a bit awkward. I promise not to blow air up your trousers when you leave ha ha. Hmmmm.’

‘This is stupid.’

‘I’m very sorry but that is not one of the options I have in front of me. Hey! Comeback! I haven’t finished yet. I haven’t got to the shearing of a Tibetan yak during a mild earth tremor ………’

Why do we insist on bisecting, trisecting,dissecting and judging everything?

 …….Which leads me neatly to my point.

What is the purpose of rating a player after the match. Who are we to judge them? 

The thing is that we all want to be a judge. It’s a team game. A team wins. A team loses. Or they draw…. they finish equal. The points are dished out, to the victors the spoils. 

And that is that. 

Or is it?

No. We have to have the ‘post mortem.’ Why. No-one died. It was a game between two teams.

Let’s see where it all went right / wrong. Let’s give the players individual scores. I have never grasped the concept of this. What is the point?

‘I’m giving Kevin a four. He was useless.’ 

‘Why not a one then?’

‘’cos he did a couple of good tackles.’

‘A good tackle is worth two then?’

‘And he did a good pass.’

‘So a good pass is worth two and a tackle is one?’

There is nothing to gauge a player precisely for his performance…. so we judge. What is the point?

Man of the match. An accolade to make one person feel great and twenty one other players feel inadequate. 

‘I’ve given Nolan a five, Jarvis was slightly better with a six and Tomkins was slightly better than Jarvis so I’ll give him a seven.’

‘So the difference between Nolan and Tomkins was Jarvis?’

‘Uh?’

‘What if Jarvis hadn’t played?

‘Uh?’

See….a totally meaningless exercise in futility. 

What does rating players out of ten achieve? 

Absolutely nothing.

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